I know that no one really wants to hear all the sad things that I'm going to say so go ahead and skip this I just need to write my feelings down. I feel like my life is falling apart and at this point I just want to give up! I'm in such a depression that I know it's effecting everyone around me, but I can't seem to get out of it. Usually I can fake it til I make it but I haven't been able to do that lately. I'm starting to think that everyone in my life would be better without me. I just keep bringing them all down and the worst is I keep hurting the love of my life. That's what hurts the worst I just keep hurting the people I love. I know that other people are going through worse things than me and I shouldn't complain but I can't help it. I just need somewhere that I can rant and I know that not that many people follow me so I won't really be bothering anyone on here.
Okay here's what mainly caused me to write this... Yesterday my husband and I went to a family reunion on his side of the family. Our nephew Matthew was there with us and Matt was acting like a 12 year old boy bothering Todd and I thought that Todd was encouraging him in his bratty behavior. I was in the middle of a panic attack at the time so I wasn't being very careful with my words and I told my husband "Just tell Matt what time it is and he'll stop bugging you. Stop encouraging him. It's a good thing we don't have kids with how your acting here!" I didn't mean that at all I was just in a panic attack and annoyed at the arguing between my husband and nephew. I know I shouldn't have said what I did but stupid me I did say it. Then to make things worse I left and hid for a little bit in the bathroom. Then ran away from my husband. When he came up to me I said other things that made it worse. I told him that when ever we are with his family he acts like a different person and I don't like it! I told him that he acts like a goofball and like that's all he has to contribute to his family which is so not true he has so much more to contribute to them. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut and pretended that it was okay that the man I fell in love with acted like a stranger when he was with his family. Actually for 8 years I have done this why I couldn't keep doing it I don't know. I know everyone that bothered to read this is thinking, "Badly done Stacy Badly done"! It's been almost a full day since I said this to my dear hubby and he's now not really talking to me. I wish that he would just yell at me and talk to me instead of just saying he's fine. I can tell he's not fine there is something wrong yet he's still hurt and doesn't want to talk about it.
I have lately been feeling like running away if only I had somewhere to go I think that I really would. I really do feel like everyone would be better without me in their life. All I do lately is cause problems! Someone told my husband before we got married are you sure you want to marry someone like her? After what I did to him yesterday I think he should have listened and not married me. On August 6 it will be our 8th year anniversary and at one time I thought that I made his life better but now I'm not so sure. What if I have made the last 8 years of his life worse? It all could have been better had he not married me. I have cost him thousands of dollars because of my health and all the medical bills. Because of me not wanting to be to far from my family we are farther away from his family. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I'm really wondering why he loves me and how with how awful I have been he could love me.
Anyway here's my rant for the day. I know that things will get better or at least I hope so they have to right?
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Randomness I call My Life part 2
To continue on with the random pictures of my life. These next few are of my house and what I did in cleaning.
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| This is my husband sitting in our clean living room. I know that there are a few things that I need to do but at least you can see the floor! |
I cleaned in-between LDS General Conference okay all I did was shred old bills but this trash bag is 2 hours of doing it.
The last picture is the section of books that I didn't get cleaned in the living room. I got them stacked up nicely but still I need to organize them more but I was tired.
The other pictures on this post are of the ducks up by my place. I know that you can't see them very well but they are there. Todd and I took a walk and not to far up from our house there is a stream and there was about 11 ducks hanging out there.
The Randomness I call my LIfe Part 1
Okay so I have borrowed (stolen) my husbands camera. I have a few
pictures on it that I wanted to add to the blog. I know they are just
random things and I could blog about each one but I just thought that I
would add them all at once and just show you the randomness of my life.
The first two pictures are of my Darling Husband Todd, our nephew Matthew, and my father in law Glen on the day Mathew received the Aaronic Priesthood. We were privileged to go up and be there for his special day. This was taken back in Feb. Yes I'm so behind on this blog that's why this is just randomness from my life.
The first two pictures are of my Darling Husband Todd, our nephew Matthew, and my father in law Glen on the day Mathew received the Aaronic Priesthood. We were privileged to go up and be there for his special day. This was taken back in Feb. Yes I'm so behind on this blog that's why this is just randomness from my life.
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| Todd Barney, Matthew Doty, Glen Stephen Barney |
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| Todd Barney, Matthew Doty, Glen Stephen Barney |
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Okay so I thought that maybe I would update the old blog today. Sorry again no pictures. I just need to get out the camera and take shots of my normal boring old days. I'm sure everyone would like that. Not that there's much of a following for my blog. It's ok because really I'm a boring person. For the few of you that do follow my blog here's the update.
I'm just going to say that March has been a busy and interesting month. First off on the 14th I turned the young age of 29. Lets talk about this a little bit. I say the young age of 29 because my age isn't as old as I feel some days. There are days that I feel like I'm a 100. Anyway enough about that. I had a good birthday my husband had to go to school that day but he made up for it by bringing home a Peanut Butter Pie. After all my birthday is pie day! I had a family party on the 10. On my birthday I missed my mom but knew that she was watching me from heaven. All day I had the song Holes in the Floor of Heaven going through my mind. Anyway enough about my birthday I got one year older and hopefully wiser too! :)
March is a month filled with birthdays in my family. My sister's birthday is the 17 and my brother's is the 23. So we had lots of cake and family time this month. On the 1st of April we will finish birthday month with my darling husbands 31 birthday. There is a family party planned for him. One more cake and then we wait until November for more birthday celebrating at least on my side of the family.
March has not only been busy with birthdays but my health hasn't been the best. Okay I know your thinking wait when has your health been good? That's all you complain about on here! I know and I'm sorry but this is my blog and like the title says my wishes and rants so live with it. Anyway like I was saying my health has been bad this month I'm back to passing out. My right side is going paralyzed more. I finally decided that it was time to go back to the doctor and have him run tests again to see if they can find out what is going on. So I went and my primary doctor referred me over to a Neurologist because he's thinking that the passing out might be seizures. Fun Not! Anyway today I had the MRI of the brain to see if they can find anything unusual. I'm really hoping they can. The bad news is I can't get in to the new doctor until May 16. I personally think this is an awful long time to wait to see him but when that's the only opening they have what can you do? April will fly by anyway right? right or at least here's hoping so. :)
On a happier note I have lost weight because of walking this time. Also I have been entering some book giveaways and have won some books. So the reading stack has piled up so on days when I can't get out of bed I have lots of books to read. Also I spoiled myself (well actually Todd my dear husband spoiled me) and bought me a Kindle Fire. It has been wonderful. I downloaded the gospel library and have been reading my scriptures more and also catching up on the Ensign and New Era. Also Angry Birds has been played a lot. Last night I watched Netflix on it. That was a life saver because I was hurting so bad that I wasn't sure I would be able to hold the computer on my lap but with the lighter kindle fire I was able to watch and not hurt. Oh and of course there are lots of wonderful free books for the kindle and I have been reading.
Okay now that I have gone on and on and everyone is bored of hearing about my boring dull life. I will get off and see if I can push myself enough to clean the house some. Thanks for listening (reading) my rant.
I'm just going to say that March has been a busy and interesting month. First off on the 14th I turned the young age of 29. Lets talk about this a little bit. I say the young age of 29 because my age isn't as old as I feel some days. There are days that I feel like I'm a 100. Anyway enough about that. I had a good birthday my husband had to go to school that day but he made up for it by bringing home a Peanut Butter Pie. After all my birthday is pie day! I had a family party on the 10. On my birthday I missed my mom but knew that she was watching me from heaven. All day I had the song Holes in the Floor of Heaven going through my mind. Anyway enough about my birthday I got one year older and hopefully wiser too! :)
March is a month filled with birthdays in my family. My sister's birthday is the 17 and my brother's is the 23. So we had lots of cake and family time this month. On the 1st of April we will finish birthday month with my darling husbands 31 birthday. There is a family party planned for him. One more cake and then we wait until November for more birthday celebrating at least on my side of the family.
March has not only been busy with birthdays but my health hasn't been the best. Okay I know your thinking wait when has your health been good? That's all you complain about on here! I know and I'm sorry but this is my blog and like the title says my wishes and rants so live with it. Anyway like I was saying my health has been bad this month I'm back to passing out. My right side is going paralyzed more. I finally decided that it was time to go back to the doctor and have him run tests again to see if they can find out what is going on. So I went and my primary doctor referred me over to a Neurologist because he's thinking that the passing out might be seizures. Fun Not! Anyway today I had the MRI of the brain to see if they can find anything unusual. I'm really hoping they can. The bad news is I can't get in to the new doctor until May 16. I personally think this is an awful long time to wait to see him but when that's the only opening they have what can you do? April will fly by anyway right? right or at least here's hoping so. :)
On a happier note I have lost weight because of walking this time. Also I have been entering some book giveaways and have won some books. So the reading stack has piled up so on days when I can't get out of bed I have lots of books to read. Also I spoiled myself (well actually Todd my dear husband spoiled me) and bought me a Kindle Fire. It has been wonderful. I downloaded the gospel library and have been reading my scriptures more and also catching up on the Ensign and New Era. Also Angry Birds has been played a lot. Last night I watched Netflix on it. That was a life saver because I was hurting so bad that I wasn't sure I would be able to hold the computer on my lap but with the lighter kindle fire I was able to watch and not hurt. Oh and of course there are lots of wonderful free books for the kindle and I have been reading.
Okay now that I have gone on and on and everyone is bored of hearing about my boring dull life. I will get off and see if I can push myself enough to clean the house some. Thanks for listening (reading) my rant.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Drowning
I have been feeling like I'm drowning lately. I have been in so much pain over the past few months. I have had a diagnostic surgery to see what might be causing the pain. That turned out to be worthless. They weren't able to find out what was causing the pain. Now I need to go to another specialist to have more tests ran to see what is going on. I'm getting sick of seeing Doctors and having them find nothing wrong with me. I can't afford this. As it is I'm in so much medical dept that I don't think I will ever get over it. This is one of the reasons I feel like I'm drowning.
Another reason I feel like I'm drowning is the little amount of money that we have and all the bills. We pay half of our income to rent. I have heard that your housing should cost a third of your income. HAHA when does that ever happen? We pay half our income for the roof over our head. Then the rest goes to bills. I need to get my pills but I can't afford them half the time so I make due. With all the medical bills and the normal living bills I'm drowning. Todd is working hard and it's not far. There are times when I think that he should leave me he would be better off. He wouldn't have to work so hard, go to school so that he can in the future bring in more money to support us and then come home and take care of the house and me. It's not far he works to hard it's going to kill him and it will be my fault.
I'm drowning in a sea of bills, pain and depression. I'm getting tired of keeping my head above water. I'm ready to just give up and drown why shouldn't I. I know that's just the depression talking. I just feel so alone at the moment. I feel like I don't fit anywhere. Anyway sorry to bother you with all the negative talk. This to will pass one way or another.
Another reason I feel like I'm drowning is the little amount of money that we have and all the bills. We pay half of our income to rent. I have heard that your housing should cost a third of your income. HAHA when does that ever happen? We pay half our income for the roof over our head. Then the rest goes to bills. I need to get my pills but I can't afford them half the time so I make due. With all the medical bills and the normal living bills I'm drowning. Todd is working hard and it's not far. There are times when I think that he should leave me he would be better off. He wouldn't have to work so hard, go to school so that he can in the future bring in more money to support us and then come home and take care of the house and me. It's not far he works to hard it's going to kill him and it will be my fault.
I'm drowning in a sea of bills, pain and depression. I'm getting tired of keeping my head above water. I'm ready to just give up and drown why shouldn't I. I know that's just the depression talking. I just feel so alone at the moment. I feel like I don't fit anywhere. Anyway sorry to bother you with all the negative talk. This to will pass one way or another.
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