I know that no one really wants to hear all the sad things that I'm going to say so go ahead and skip this I just need to write my feelings down. I feel like my life is falling apart and at this point I just want to give up! I'm in such a depression that I know it's effecting everyone around me, but I can't seem to get out of it. Usually I can fake it til I make it but I haven't been able to do that lately. I'm starting to think that everyone in my life would be better without me. I just keep bringing them all down and the worst is I keep hurting the love of my life. That's what hurts the worst I just keep hurting the people I love. I know that other people are going through worse things than me and I shouldn't complain but I can't help it. I just need somewhere that I can rant and I know that not that many people follow me so I won't really be bothering anyone on here.
Okay here's what mainly caused me to write this... Yesterday my husband and I went to a family reunion on his side of the family. Our nephew Matthew was there with us and Matt was acting like a 12 year old boy bothering Todd and I thought that Todd was encouraging him in his bratty behavior. I was in the middle of a panic attack at the time so I wasn't being very careful with my words and I told my husband "Just tell Matt what time it is and he'll stop bugging you. Stop encouraging him. It's a good thing we don't have kids with how your acting here!" I didn't mean that at all I was just in a panic attack and annoyed at the arguing between my husband and nephew. I know I shouldn't have said what I did but stupid me I did say it. Then to make things worse I left and hid for a little bit in the bathroom. Then ran away from my husband. When he came up to me I said other things that made it worse. I told him that when ever we are with his family he acts like a different person and I don't like it! I told him that he acts like a goofball and like that's all he has to contribute to his family which is so not true he has so much more to contribute to them. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut and pretended that it was okay that the man I fell in love with acted like a stranger when he was with his family. Actually for 8 years I have done this why I couldn't keep doing it I don't know. I know everyone that bothered to read this is thinking, "Badly done Stacy Badly done"! It's been almost a full day since I said this to my dear hubby and he's now not really talking to me. I wish that he would just yell at me and talk to me instead of just saying he's fine. I can tell he's not fine there is something wrong yet he's still hurt and doesn't want to talk about it.
I have lately been feeling like running away if only I had somewhere to go I think that I really would. I really do feel like everyone would be better without me in their life. All I do lately is cause problems! Someone told my husband before we got married are you sure you want to marry someone like her? After what I did to him yesterday I think he should have listened and not married me. On August 6 it will be our 8th year anniversary and at one time I thought that I made his life better but now I'm not so sure. What if I have made the last 8 years of his life worse? It all could have been better had he not married me. I have cost him thousands of dollars because of my health and all the medical bills. Because of me not wanting to be to far from my family we are farther away from his family. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I'm really wondering why he loves me and how with how awful I have been he could love me.
Anyway here's my rant for the day. I know that things will get better or at least I hope so they have to right?
