Attitude of Gratitude Day 6

#6 I'm grateful for my brother. Growing up he was my protector like all big brothers tend to be. He let me tag along with him and his friends. Ed would buy me books and take me to movies on the weekend. He helped me with my math homework. My brother has always been there when I've needed him. Now that we are grown and married he's still there for me. I have been blessed to have a wonderful big brother who was so excited to have a little sister!

My big brother!

Attitude of Gratitude #2

Okay so yeah I haven't been on the computer so I'm playing catch up but it's only 2 days now.

#4 I'm grateful for my Dad. He raised me to be strong in the gospel. I've always been a Daddy's girl. He always looks out for us. He taught me to respect the power of the priesthood. He didn't mind when I would tag along with him to fix things even when I got more in the way than being helpful. Even now that I'm grown up he looks out for me. He drives me to the places I need to go. My dad is the best there is! He showed love to my mom and showed me what I should look for in a husband. Dad is the one that I call when Todd needs help with the car or things around that house. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave me such a wonderful Daddy! Even though I'm grown up I still think of my dad as my Daddy!

Daddy and me.

#5 I am grateful for my sister. She is my best friend. She puts up with me when I don't feel good and when I have a bad day! Shelly listens to me rant and is a shoulder for me to cry on. She has always been like a second Mom to me and with Mom gone it's nice to have her there for me. We haven't always been close but we have gotten closer in the last 10 years. I am so lucky to have a wonderful big sister! I don't always tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am that she's my sister. I would be lost with out her! When I need someone to talk to she's always there.

My sister and me.

An attitude of gratitude!

It's November and on Facebook I have been seeing my friends doing a month of gratitude posts. To be honest the first time I saw this I was in a bad place and thought this is dumb! The funny thing is these posts have been on my mind ever since. I keep thinking back to this idea. Well today I decided that there was a reason that I keep thinking about being grateful. For the past little while I have been in a really bad place emotionally and spiritually. Things have been hard and I took what seemed like the easy way out. I turned my back on everything. I have been really hard to get along with. I have been on my husbands case all the time. Okay lets be honest I have been a royal witch with a capital B (pardon my language)!! Anyway I was thinking how can I make myself feel better? Well the answer has been staring me in the face I need to change my attitude. Instead of thinking of all the things that are going wrong I need to be grateful for what I have. I need an attitude of gratitude! With this in mind I am challenging myself to find two months worth of things that I am grateful for. I am going to try to do a post a day but sometimes I'm not on the computer so you might have to leave with a few things I'm grateful for on one post. We shall see how often I can do this.

Well let's begin. I have to play catch up already because it took me a bit to clue into what I needed and wanted to do.

#1  I am grateful for a loving, supportive husband. Todd stands by me and supports me even when I'm in a bad mood. He has always done his best to show his love for me. He's a shoulder for me to cry on. 
He always listens to me. I am so grateful to have him in my life I would be lost without him.

I know that at times I don't show him how grateful I am. These past few months I think he has wondered if I appreciate him or not. I don't always show it but I am grateful to be married to this wonderful man! Todd completes me and makes me strive to be better!

#2 I am grateful for the gospel in my life. I am proud to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am thankful that I have The Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.
I'm thankful that I know about the Plan of Salvation.
And I'm thankful that Thomas S. Monson is my president and Jesus Christ is my King, my Savior, my Redeemer, my ALL. I have been blessed to be born in this day and age that I can practice my beliefs and can share the message of the gospel with others. I know with certainty that with out the gospel in my life I would be lost! At times I have attempted to turn my back on my beliefs but I have always found my way back! My testimony has strengthened through the trials I have had in life. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true!
I am proud to say..

#3 I am grateful for my mom! 
 My mother is in heaven now watching over us. She taught me to believe in myself and that I was special. My mother was a wonderful woman she always smiled and made everyone else smile with her. Her personality was a goofy fun-loving one! She was always there to talk when I needed someone to understand me. Mom was a talented artist. I am lucky enough to have a small portion of her talent. She made all our friends feel like they were part of the family. When my siblings and I got married she didn't gain a daughter-in-law and two son-in-laws but another daughter and sons. I hope that I can be half the Mom she was to my kids one day! I have been greatly blessed to have her as my mother! My mother taught me so many things and helped shape the person I am today. I know that every daughter says they have the best Mom in the world well in my case it's the truth! Heavenly Father gave me this wonderful woman to help raise me in the gospel and for that I am so very thankful!

 

Stress

Stress is a part of life. This is very true. The past few months it has been a very big part of my life. There has been a lot of stress going on at the moment. Things that are out of my control have been stressing me out and some things that I do have control over have been stressing me out.

One thing that has been worrying and stressing me is my mother-in-laws health. She has been battling with cancer. She has gone through chemo and now surgery. The doctors are feeling pretty positive that they have gotten all the cancerous cells. She might have to have 2 more rounds of chemo but she is strong. I know that she will have a battle with pain while her body heals from surgery. But for the most part I think we can breath a little sigh of relief that it looks like she will and is beating this battle! So I think that this stress can be a little eased in my mind.

Another worry is with money but hey who doesn't have this worry. It's the same old thing that everyone goes through will there be enough to pay the bills? Will there be money for food? This stress is always there but it does go away. This is everyone's worry right? We have all been there done that!

Then there is the worry of my health but that is one stress that I try to just internalize and not bother anyone with. After all at this point there isn't much anyone including the doctors can do about it. It is just my lot to live with and try not to worry to much about.

Stress is a part of life but so is joy and happiness. Though some stresses we can over come and some may always be there it's the way we hold our head up high and deal with our stress that matters. Not really what the stress is!

Any way I will live for the moments of breathing with relief. Today we have one of those moments. With my mother-in-law out of surgery in good spirits and the doctors thinking positively about the cancer. So way to go Alice you made it through one more hurdle and the rest is down a road of recovery from here!!

Love and Marriage.

On the 6th of August it was Todd and My 9th anniversary. It was a good day. I have been thinking lately about the past nine years. A lot has happened in those short 9 years of our marriage. Let's see we have dealt with health problems lots of them. We have dealt with lots of illness. Hospital visits, and many Dr. appointments. We have also dealt with a mysteries disease that is wrecking havoc on my body. Todd has seen me passed out cold on the floor. He's heard and seen me cry because the pain was so bad. He's carried me because I have been paralyzed and unable to move on my own. In turn I have seen him twitch because of his epilepsy. I have watched him many nights making sure he didn't have a seizure. I have turned the lights out and stayed very quite because he has had really bad migraines. In the past nine years we have endured sickness and rejoiced in the health.
In the nine years of our marriage we have both rejoiced in the prospect of adding children to our family and then grieved together when I miscarried. We rode this roller coaster a few times more than we would have liked. Yet every time we have looked back later and realized that it wasn't the time for us to have children. This hasn't lessened the pain of those miscarriages but it has helped strengthen our love. We have enjoyed this time of just the two of us together and keep trying to start our family. We know that when the time is right if we have faith and do our part the Lord will bless us with children.
What else has happened in nine years. We have gone through jobs. We have dealt with being unemployed and both the financial burden and the emotional one of that. There has been short periods without a job and then there has been longer periods. We have stuck together and dealt with the emotional, hopeless breakdowns together. We have been each others hope and pushed each other to keep going knowing that a job for Todd would come along.
There have been shouting matches during our marriage. Some nights when we have stayed up late fighting and crying. There have been hurt feelings because of misunderstandings. The Silent treatment has been giving by both of us. Some fights have lasted a long time and others were over just as quickly as they began. I think each and every fight has brought us closer together or at least given us a better understanding of each other. Even after nine years melding together two peoples different ideas has been hard but we keep working at it.
All in all the past nine years has been a bumpy ride but one that I have enjoyed! The past nine years have been work and I don't mind working at our marriage. After all our wedding wasn't our Happily Ever After it was our Happy Beginning because with the promise of time and all eternity we didn't end anything but began something writing our story together. I will take the good, bad, sickness, health, tears, hugs, fights, I'm sorry, and all the things in between. I wouldn't trade any of the things that have happened in our short nine years of marriage for anything. Because everything has made us closer and everyday I fall in love with Todd again. He has made me a better person by being there for me and always encouraging me and being by my side. When Todd came into my life I found my eternal companion that would walk by my side for all eternity. I couldn't ask for anything more. I hope that I make Todd and better person and lift him up and walk by his side. I look forward to many more chapters in our marriage after all this is just the beginning!

4th of July

On the 4th of July we had a BBQ up at my dad's and a little firework show. It was a good day hanging out with family. Todd's a little pyro so he was glad that he was able to put on a firework show. 

While we were waiting for the firework show Kelsy entertained us with some camp songs that she learned at girl's camp.

 Some of the fireworks Todd got to set off. It was a great firework show. We also got to see some of the Stadium of Fire fireworks and the ones the neighbors set off. It was a great night of fun!

The Following are a few videos I took of the fireworks. 

Father's Day.

Okay so I'm playing catch up bear with me. On Tuesday the 18 of June Todd and I went up to North Salt Lake to see his dad for Father's Day. My Father-in-law cooked us steaks. We got to see Todd's sister and kids. It was great to see the family and see that his mom was doing pretty good.

 I had to treat myself with this cute cookie monster cookie from the local market us there. I couldn't resist.

Lily hanging out with Todd. 

Rosie playing with a golf ball we found in the yard.

These are the only pics I got because we were having a good time hanging with family.

Stress Level Rising Late at Night.

Why is it always when I should be sleeping that my mind won't shut off? I'm laying in bed with all these thoughts and worries running through my mind. The longer I lay here the more I can feel my stress level rising higher and higher.Things have been stressful lately there has been a lot going on in my life but no more than what has been going on in other peoples lives. Tonight I feel as if I can't breath and that things are never going to improve. I know this isn't true! I know that things will get better it's just late at night I keep thinking what if it doesn't? What more can go wrong? How much more can I take? Why can't I figure out some way to make ends meet? Have I failed? Would it be better if I wasn't here? I know that all these thinks aren't true these are just the thoughts going through my head and when it's quite they sound like someone is screaming them. To quite my mind I decided to get online and blog some of the things going on. 

Okay so some of the things that have been raising my stress level lately are....

1. Todd losing his job and not having luck yet in finding another one. 

Let's talk about this one a little because it's what's keeping my up most. Towards the end of Feb. my dear husband was laid off from his job. He had worked there for just shy of 6 years. At first this was okay. I felt very much that it was a blessing in disguise. Why? you ask. Well, this way he could look for a job in the field that he got his degree in right. There are some government state programs that can help him. So, we would be better off he could get in a job where he could make more money and expand in the work place. After nearly 2 months of him searching for a job and not having any luck I'm starting to feel discouraged and stressed out. I'm trying to stay positive it's hard though because rent and bills have to be paid and the money is running out. Who am I kidding the money is gone. This could still be a blessing in disguise. After all our trails make us stronger. I'm sure that once he gets a job i will look back at this time and see how much we have or I have grown with this challenge  Til then I'm trying to stay positive and not get into to many arguments with my dear husband. I know that he is trying and the he would really really like to be working again. 

2. Bills needing to be paid

Okay, on this one it's just the fact that rent is due really soon and the other bills are due soon. More than the lack of money it's more that I feel worthless and helpless. I'm not able to help by working so it's up to Todd I feel bad that I can't help while he's out looking for a job. Also I feel like a lot of the bills are because of me and my medical needs. The stress is not just the lack of money for the things we need but the feeling of helplessness I have because I can't help bring in money so that we aren't struggling as much. This brings us to reason number 3 for my rising stress.

3. My Health

My health has been having major up and down days. I have had more days of palatalization then before and more pain. Also the diabetes has been wacko  Then to top this all off I feel as if I'm getting sick. I need to see my doctor but without insurance and money that doesn't seem likely right now. I also need to get my medication so that I don't get worse. Add in that my eyes have changed and I should get new glasses sometime and the fact that my teeth always hurt and I need to see a dentist to get them fixed well lets just say the stress is major. The pain with my teeth isn't to bad that can wait for a few months, the eyes as well. It's the meds and the other that I need to figure out. I hope that what I'm getting is just a sinus infection that can be taken care of with over the counter medication. Oh, did I mention that I'm more worn out and that I'm not breathing the best. I'm in a lot of pain but I should be use to that. It's just that the medicine that helps with the fibromyalgia and the pain is running low, so is the diabetic medicine  Without insurance my pills are really really expensive. I know that some how we will get this solved. Hopefully some of the meds have samples that the Dr. can give me. I know that my family will help where and if they can. But in the wee small hours of the night the worry creeps in and takes over. Also with all the stress and things going on my mental health has taking a dive. I need to talk to someone but that costs and not sure how to manage it. 

4. Health Problems going on with loved ones. 

There have been some people in my family who have been facing much more serious health problems than I have. They are dealing with cancer and not sure what will happen. I shouldn't be worried about my health when I know that one of my family members has a really bad form of cancer and is trying to take life one day at a time. The other family member is recovering from surgery and things are looking good. Then also another family member has just been diagnosed with cancer and is still finding out how far it has progressed and what the doctors think they can do for it. I'm not mentioning names because I'm not sure if they want me to tell the world. I hope that if they read this or those who know them and can figure out who it is they will be okay with me mentioning this. I hope that if you guys do read this that you know my prayers are with you and my thoughts. I wish the best for all of you and that is why I worry. I think another reason that this is on the list of what is raising my stress level is because I feel guilty for worrying about my small health problems when they are facing cancer. Then the other stress of this is the other family members who are also worried about these individuals and praying for them. I ask that anyone who reads this keeps my family in their prayers and asks the lord to comfort us in what ever he sees fit to happen. 

 Before I list the last thing that has me up at night and stressed I put in this disclaimer please don't think me selfish for any of my comments. I know that my trails are small to some and to others they may seem giant. To me at this moment they are like huge mountains that I am having a problem climbing over. Please please please don't think me selfish and self centered for what I say. This is the only way I know to really ask for the help that I need at this time in my life. The words get stuck in my throat and I try to be brave and everyone else's shoulder to cry on but at this time I need someone to just listen and let me cry on their shoulder without judging me or trying to really solve my problems. I hope this makes sense.

5. Missing my mom!!

I think this is the biggest factor in everything. You see my mom was my lifeline. She was the one who when the world was falling apart I could run to and I knew that even though she couldn't take the problems away she would make everything better. She did this by just listening to me and letting me scream, cry, or do whatever else I needed to do so that I could deal with everything. She didn't judge. She didn't make me feel like a failure for not always being strong. I'm not saying anyone else makes me feel this way when I talk to them. Please please don't take it that way. Others have been a shoulder and strength for me. I'm just writing what I'm feeling at the moment. In July it will be 3 years since my mother passed away. In the past 3 years I have been having a really hard time carrying on. My family knows this. I have told my sister many times that I don't get why I can't pick up the pieces and carry on. Why am I so lost with out my mom? To me it seems like I am more lost then my siblings and other family members who have lost their mom. In a way I think that I haven't really faced the feelings of losing her. I think that I try to be strong and pretend that things are fine and that I'm okay. I think it's my way of feeling like I'm not burdening anyone with my feelings. I know logically that if I'm sad and missing mom and want to talk about her that's not burdening anyone but something inside me says that it's been 3 years you should be over this and get on with life. I know it's stupid but that's how I feel. I feel like if I tell my family that I miss mom so much and that I just want to rewind time and have her back in her physical body to hold me it will make them sad because I know that they miss her as well. So, I try to be strong and push my feelings down so that I can help others. 

Anyway thanks for reading this and baring with me. I just need a shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. A giant hug. Someone to hold me and let me cry. Prayers. A me day. A girl's night out or something. Or maybe all of the above! Not sure what I really need like I said earlier in this post  This is the only way I know to really ask for the help that I need at this time in my life.  I don't expect to get these it just helps to write my feelings down. I try so hard to be a shoulder and the strength for everyone else that sometimes I forget that I need to cry as well. It's hard for me to ask for someone to be a shoulder for me to cry on or to be my strength when I am week. I know that this shouldn't be hard but it just is it always has been for me. I tried to be the peacemaker the invisible one that didn't make any waves. Again thanks for listening to my rants.