Okay so some of the things that have been raising my stress level lately are....
1. Todd losing his job and not having luck yet in finding another one.
Let's talk about this one a little because it's what's keeping my up most. Towards the end of Feb. my dear husband was laid off from his job. He had worked there for just shy of 6 years. At first this was okay. I felt very much that it was a blessing in disguise. Why? you ask. Well, this way he could look for a job in the field that he got his degree in right. There are some government state programs that can help him. So, we would be better off he could get in a job where he could make more money and expand in the work place. After nearly 2 months of him searching for a job and not having any luck I'm starting to feel discouraged and stressed out. I'm trying to stay positive it's hard though because rent and bills have to be paid and the money is running out. Who am I kidding the money is gone. This could still be a blessing in disguise. After all our trails make us stronger. I'm sure that once he gets a job i will look back at this time and see how much we have or I have grown with this challenge Til then I'm trying to stay positive and not get into to many arguments with my dear husband. I know that he is trying and the he would really really like to be working again.
2. Bills needing to be paid
Okay, on this one it's just the fact that rent is due really soon and the other bills are due soon. More than the lack of money it's more that I feel worthless and helpless. I'm not able to help by working so it's up to Todd I feel bad that I can't help while he's out looking for a job. Also I feel like a lot of the bills are because of me and my medical needs. The stress is not just the lack of money for the things we need but the feeling of helplessness I have because I can't help bring in money so that we aren't struggling as much. This brings us to reason number 3 for my rising stress.
3. My Health
My health has been having major up and down days. I have had more days of palatalization then before and more pain. Also the diabetes has been wacko Then to top this all off I feel as if I'm getting sick. I need to see my doctor but without insurance and money that doesn't seem likely right now. I also need to get my medication so that I don't get worse. Add in that my eyes have changed and I should get new glasses sometime and the fact that my teeth always hurt and I need to see a dentist to get them fixed well lets just say the stress is major. The pain with my teeth isn't to bad that can wait for a few months, the eyes as well. It's the meds and the other that I need to figure out. I hope that what I'm getting is just a sinus infection that can be taken care of with over the counter medication. Oh, did I mention that I'm more worn out and that I'm not breathing the best. I'm in a lot of pain but I should be use to that. It's just that the medicine that helps with the fibromyalgia and the pain is running low, so is the diabetic medicine Without insurance my pills are really really expensive. I know that some how we will get this solved. Hopefully some of the meds have samples that the Dr. can give me. I know that my family will help where and if they can. But in the wee small hours of the night the worry creeps in and takes over. Also with all the stress and things going on my mental health has taking a dive. I need to talk to someone but that costs and not sure how to manage it.
4. Health Problems going on with loved ones.
There have been some people in my family who have been facing much more serious health problems than I have. They are dealing with cancer and not sure what will happen. I shouldn't be worried about my health when I know that one of my family members has a really bad form of cancer and is trying to take life one day at a time. The other family member is recovering from surgery and things are looking good. Then also another family member has just been diagnosed with cancer and is still finding out how far it has progressed and what the doctors think they can do for it. I'm not mentioning names because I'm not sure if they want me to tell the world. I hope that if they read this or those who know them and can figure out who it is they will be okay with me mentioning this. I hope that if you guys do read this that you know my prayers are with you and my thoughts. I wish the best for all of you and that is why I worry. I think another reason that this is on the list of what is raising my stress level is because I feel guilty for worrying about my small health problems when they are facing cancer. Then the other stress of this is the other family members who are also worried about these individuals and praying for them. I ask that anyone who reads this keeps my family in their prayers and asks the lord to comfort us in what ever he sees fit to happen.
Before I list the last thing that has me up at night and stressed I put in this disclaimer please don't think me selfish for any of my comments. I know that my trails are small to some and to others they may seem giant. To me at this moment they are like huge mountains that I am having a problem climbing over. Please please please don't think me selfish and self centered for what I say. This is the only way I know to really ask for the help that I need at this time in my life. The words get stuck in my throat and I try to be brave and everyone else's shoulder to cry on but at this time I need someone to just listen and let me cry on their shoulder without judging me or trying to really solve my problems. I hope this makes sense.
5. Missing my mom!!
I think this is the biggest factor in everything. You see my mom was my lifeline. She was the one who when the world was falling apart I could run to and I knew that even though she couldn't take the problems away she would make everything better. She did this by just listening to me and letting me scream, cry, or do whatever else I needed to do so that I could deal with everything. She didn't judge. She didn't make me feel like a failure for not always being strong. I'm not saying anyone else makes me feel this way when I talk to them. Please please don't take it that way. Others have been a shoulder and strength for me. I'm just writing what I'm feeling at the moment. In July it will be 3 years since my mother passed away. In the past 3 years I have been having a really hard time carrying on. My family knows this. I have told my sister many times that I don't get why I can't pick up the pieces and carry on. Why am I so lost with out my mom? To me it seems like I am more lost then my siblings and other family members who have lost their mom. In a way I think that I haven't really faced the feelings of losing her. I think that I try to be strong and pretend that things are fine and that I'm okay. I think it's my way of feeling like I'm not burdening anyone with my feelings. I know logically that if I'm sad and missing mom and want to talk about her that's not burdening anyone but something inside me says that it's been 3 years you should be over this and get on with life. I know it's stupid but that's how I feel. I feel like if I tell my family that I miss mom so much and that I just want to rewind time and have her back in her physical body to hold me it will make them sad because I know that they miss her as well. So, I try to be strong and push my feelings down so that I can help others.
Anyway thanks for reading this and baring with me. I just need a shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. A giant hug. Someone to hold me and let me cry. Prayers. A me day. A girl's night out or something. Or maybe all of the above! Not sure what I really need like I said earlier in this post This is the only way I know to really ask for the help that I need at this time in my life. I don't expect to get these it just helps to write my feelings down. I try so hard to be a shoulder and the strength for everyone else that sometimes I forget that I need to cry as well. It's hard for me to ask for someone to be a shoulder for me to cry on or to be my strength when I am week. I know that this shouldn't be hard but it just is it always has been for me. I tried to be the peacemaker the invisible one that didn't make any waves. Again thanks for listening to my rants.
